Star Wars Episode II: Attack of the Clones

When you start up a new game in Attack of the Clones, you're treated to a surprisingly high-quality rendition of the main Star Wars theme, accompanied by the famous text scroll that kicks off each film. Don't let it get your hopes up, though--from that point on, it's all downhill. Like so many before it, Clones is just another poorly designed, obviously rushed movie-based title with little going for it besides the license it's based on. Most of the game takes place in 2D side-scrolling levels, with a smattering of Star Fox-esque 3D levels thrown in to break up the monotony. The 2D stages are extremely repetitive, with hardly any variety in either level design or enemies. To make matters worse, the control in these stages is awful. Trying to get your lightsaber to do what you want is basically a crap shoot--eventually you realize it's easier to just run, only stopping to kill enemies when it's necessary to advance the screen. The 3D stages are somewhat impressive, on a technical level at least--no surprise, since these are the guys (guy?) who made GBA Doom. But the 3D levels are only marginally less frustrating than all the others and just as repetitive gameplay-wise. To add insult to all this injury, the only way to save your progress is via password. What's the point of a portable game if you have to take along a pad and a pen? Do yourself a favor--go see Episode II instead and blow the extra money on Raisinets.

This little sucker should thank its lucky damn stars Mortal Kombat Advance is around to take some of the heat directed at slopped-together GBA games. It's like the enemies, controls and graphics were all conceived in three separate lesser-developed nations. Simple abilities (like turning around while blocking to cover uranus) are totally absent. And everyone's apparently out to get you--you'll get shot at by training droids, punched by robots, and kicked by fighter-pilot-looking aliens who probably just saw all the commotion and wanted in. Even the first-person flying missions are too sloppy to enjoy. It's one of the worst games I've ever played.

I can't think of the last time that I played such a horrifically fecal excuse for a game. Seriously, did no one think to look back to the Super NES SuperStar Wars for inspiration? Instead, we get this moronically simplistic turd that rips off, of all things, MK Mythologies: Sub-Zero. Walk your giant, digitized Jedi to the right until the screen stops. Enemies pop out. Try to defeat them using the syrupy control scheme. Repeat indefinitely. The occasional 3D flying levels or minigame diversions don't help either, since these modes suck as well. Occasional samples of John Williams' score provide an excellent soundtrack, but you can buy a CD for much less. Avoid at all costs.