Earache Extreme Metal Racing

You Know When you go to the toilet m your significant other's parents' house, only to discover that there's no toilet paper? Earache Extreme Metal Racing is far, far worse.

Essentially, it's what you'd end up with if you took Mario Kart, branded it up with various heavy-metal bands and then stripped away everything remotely fun or entertaining.

There's eight racers on offer, neither particularly unique from the other and five tracks, three of which need to be unlocked - and that's it. Unlockables are opened by knocking down zombies scattered around the race track - which is pretty much the whole point of the game considering there's hardly any incentive to finish the race, and we usually found ourselves slumbering in boredom after the first lap. In short, not bowered.

The absurdly small selection of hard content aside, the game itself isn't much more impressive. Racers handle like three-wheeled shopping trolleys, either slugging around corners or crashing out of the scenery with a touch of a button, and tracks are generic and never offer anything particularly exciting. What's more, some menus even ask for PS2 memory cards.

Still, it's not completely broken; there's a functioning - but incredibly boring - racing game in there, and the soundtrack, like, rawks. But at least you don't have to explain to anyone why you're walking with an uncomfortable, coffeecoloured limp, eh?