There's Something oddly compelling about Lula 3D. It harnesses your attention in the same way that all ten minutes of Michelle from Big Brother decked out in cheap purple underwear staring slack-jawed into the camera on the midnight freeview on Television X might do. It's crap, it's wrong, it's as sexy as placing a dead fish in your mouth and slowly pulling it in and out so the scales get stuck between your teeth - but it's still better than watching World's Wildest Police Chases with Sheriff John Bunnell.
I mean, this is a game that gives you options like 'observe showering lesbians', it has perpetually shagging automatons on every other street corner, along with the most inept voice-acting and English translation that you can humanly imagine ("You want some trouble with my father's son?"). It's Joseph Conrad's 'fascination with the abomination' in videogame form: where will you put the vibrator next? What are you going to do with the 'breast-tingling vodka' you've just picked up? Did a development company really ask the Lula voice-actress to piss, fart and then giggle at her naughtiness when you command her to go to the toilet? Just how low is this game going to go - and how abysmal will it be when they do it?
Big N' Bouncy
Unsurprisingly, game controls are awful, puzzles inane and progress governed by doors that magically unlock themselves after you've spoken to everyone who's lounging around town about life as a hooker or giving blowjobs. And as for the box-touted 'Breast Bounce technology' -if Lula's bright pink assets bounce realistically, then I've clearly been talking to the wrong kind of girls for the entirety of my life. (Or at least the more recent bits of my life, in which Bk I've been talking to girls.)
And yet I play it simply to see what, or who, is coming round the next corner. The game is just so inexorably, mind-bogglingly ignorant of how either real games or real sex works that it spread-eagles itself a fair way into the so-bad-it's-good'category.
This isn't a victory for the game though: it's a sad indictment of my moral character and my ongoing fascination with the truly, woefully inept. As lovely as it must be to live in Lula-land, with its never-ending intercourse and women who won't talk about anything other than dildos, I still think that 1 prefer having sex with real people. It's a strange hang-up of mine -I'm sure I'll get over it.
Download Lula 3D
- PC compatible
- Operating systems: Windows 10/Windows 8/Windows 7/2000/Vista/WinXP