Mary Kate And Ashley: Sweet 16 Licensed to Drive

What better way to celebrate the Olsen twins' passage into adulthood than with 30 of the most insipid, infantile minigames ever processed through a marketing research committee's digestive system.

It's like Mario Party had a debilitating stroke and someone dressed it up in a frilly princess costume. I swear that at one point in LTD, I was being tortured by a quiz-bowl minigame when the damn thing asked me to identify the colors of four onscreen cars. Now, I may be a grown man, but even when I was 16, the games marketed at my gender assumed I already knew my colors. The old man in Zelda never said, "Find the gold key. Hint: Gold is the color of cookies!" Let's just hope the game commemorating Mary-Kate and Ashley's 17th birthday will have questions of at least a second-grade level. And in two years time, the developers had better drop the silly quizzes altogether--because if the game based on their 18th birthday is not called Mary-Kate and Ashley: Barely Legal Waterbed Oil Wrestling, the public outrage could tear this country apart.