Loadstar: The Legend of Tully Bodine

Life, we are constantly told, has its ups and downs! One day you're strolling arm in arm with the one you love, basking in glorious sunshine, through the glory of the English countryside - and the next you're being torn to ribbons by flying shards of white-hot metal in the immediate aftermath of a full-scale nuclear attack. Peaks and troughs, peaks and troughs. I But what of those "in-between" moments? Those moments in lifi which are neither good nor bad? The meaningless moments in which little or no emotion is experienced? The moments that you hardly realise are happening? The banal, the boring, the empty swathes of time which pass you by each and every day? Those "Richard and Judy" moments?

outstretched, trousers round you ankles, a blank expression on youi face. A moment of pure humdrum tedium, crystallised, held in stasis. I want you to think about all the vapid nothin ness that goes through your head at that exact moment in time. A time devoid of all thought, devoid of all meaning, and utterly devoid of all emotion.

Good. You now know all you need to know about Loadstar, the new game from Rocket Science.

What's the story behind It then?

Loadstar is yet another "game on rails". It's yet another fmv shoot 'em up. Its presentation is slightly more polished than most, but basically - that's it. We're talking yawnland here. The plot concerns one Tully Bodine - a rough and ready space captain who's undergoing a perilous mission. Blah blah blah blah blah. Blah blah blah blah blah. Blah blah blah blah blah-dy blah. And only YOU can save the day.

Cue much brainless pointing, clicking, and exploding. Oh yeah -I almost forgot. This is a game on rails with a difference. You can steer the ship.

I thought you said it was a "game on rails"?

Well yes, I did. It is. But, occasionally. Loadstar does give you the opportunity to steer left or right. And, to its credit, the footage changes accordingly, with absolutely no pause whatsoever. This, we are assured, is a major step forward in gaming technology. And what a difference it makes. Remember the old laser-disc arcade game, Dragon's Lair, in which a jab of the joystick was followed by a brief pause while the next video sequence was being retrieved? Yeah? Well, now, thanks to Rocket Science, those brief pauses are gone forever. Sadly, what this means in practice is that your fmv tedium is no longer punctuated by brief, Zen-like periods of blankness. Instead the tedium just keeps on truckin', with nary a pause in sight. Yes! It's boredom alright, but at least it's new, improved kind of boredom.

Keep thinking about that toilet.

Isn't Rocket Science "the next big thing"?

On this evidence, I certainly hope not. Apparently the company has a large amount of Hollywood film-production talent at its disposal. There's certainly a lot of Hollywood sheen on show here, and you even get a recognisably famous face in the form of Ned Beatty. The cut-scenes look very professional, and the motion is extremely smooth indeed (if a little on the blocky side). Oh yes, make no mistake, it certainly looks nice, but then so does a wax banana. Although, come to think of it, a wax banana has more gameplay possibilities than this poxy game does. Hollywood talent has always been good at disguising a trite script by padding out the finished movie with endless special effects. It just doesn't work with games. It's either a good game or it isn't. And it has to be said (yes, has to,) that Loadstar definitely isn't. Do you want me to go on? Do you want me to get angry about it? Do you want me to tell you in no uncertain terms just exactly what I think of it...?

...Yes, go on, give it a slagging

No. I just couldn't be bothered. I feel completely drained. Have you ever seen Dawn of the Dead? It's an old George Romero movie; one of his trilogy of zombie films. Anyway, there's a scene in that film where the four main characters are escaping zombie-infested Pittsburgh in a helicopter. They've flown out miles into the countryside, yet down below on the ground, they can still see more zombies. That's when they start to realise that the living dead are absolutely everywhere, and that basically, they, as living humans, are outnumbered. And instead of screaming, or shouting abuse, they simply go all quiet and start feeling depressed. And down below there's a bunch of hillbilly idiots who think the whole thing's a laugh, and they're chugging back the Budweisers and using the zombies for target practice. Well, that's how I'm beginning to feel about fmv shoot 'em ups. They're depressing, they're more dead than alive, they're growing in number by the day, and only a drunken imbecile would want to play with one. So there.

What are you going about zombie films for?

Well, for one thing, watching Dawn Of The Dead would be preferable to playing Loadstar. As a matter of fact, being in Dawn Of The Dead would be preferable to playing Loadstar. And anyway, it's a really good horror film, and you should see it. And it wasn't made in Hollywood, either. Unlike Loadstar.
Which was.