Kreed

What? There's a reactor that needs shutting down? Through there? Where all the badly animated monsters are? And you're dying? And so will we all if I don't do something? Criminy! Well, I suppose I ought to wander through three identical corridors and flip a switch then... off I trot. Hope death isn't too much of a rum do!" Yes, it's that time again - time for another crap FPS from the former Soviet Union to rear its badly textured, uninspired head. This one is less of a first-person shooter and more a test of patience in which you move from featureless room to featureless room, occasionally pressing the left mouse button when you see something with teeth coming towards you.

An empty shell of a shooter with a bottle of Costcutters ownbrand vodka at its core, Kreed plays like a badly translated Russian tech demo from two years ago. It may look passable with a few pretty lights here and a few wisps of smoke there - but if you come here in search of gameplay (with 30 crisp notes and a song in your heart) then welcome to hell.

The story is something to do with spaceships being too close to some sort of anomaly (which is The Kreed' I think), which has turned everyone into monsters and/or madmen. I wasn't paying all that much attention - I was far too busy slamming my genitals in my top drawer in an effort to keep myself lucid. Indeed, if you ever wanted to simulate wandering around a series of frustrating corridors, randomly unlocking other frustrating corridors that lead to other locked doors, then your prayers may have just been answered.

Saving Graces?

I suppose some of the weapons aren't bad - I quite liked the flame-thrower. And the way the mental spacemen chuck grenades is OK I guess. And, erm, the baddies sometimes hide behind crates, and when you shoot some of the monsters they occasionally run away. And... well... shooting stuff is fun... I suppose. Even if there is no indication of whether you're hitting anything or not. And when you start backtracking through the level and not realising that you've actually taken the wrong identical corridor, that's fun too. Hang on, no - that's shit. That's really shit.

It boils down to this: do not buy this game. Do not be suckered by the words first person shooter' cheerily emblazoned on its cover. It isn't the greatest evil set loose upon this Earth, but with an RRP of $30, it slots neatly between McFly and Rustlers Microwaveable Flame-Grilled BBQ Ribsteaks in terms of my complete lack of interest. Avoid.