Lula: The Sexy Empire

Lula: The Sexy Empire is an older 90s erotic game that is part Theme Park and part Leisure Suit, Larry. The game was quite risqué for its time and while it is certainly “naughty” it is not as XXX as you would think. Building a porn empire in a game is the kind of thing that sounds like it could be a great deal of fun and parts of this game are, but who does the whole “package” stand out?

On Top Or On Bottom?

The story of the game is kind of fun. You want to be a porn baron who makes movies, has stores and so on, but the problem is… you are broke! Thankfully in Lula: The Sexy Empire, the Lula in the title is your smoking hot girlfriend who you can use to start building your erotic empire. You want to go from the bottom of having nothing to being the porno king of the world.

The visuals of the game do have some charm and there is nudity here. I like how Lula is super over-exaggerated, but you have to take into consideration the age of this game. This is a game that was originally made in the 90s and it certainly looks like that. I am not saying it is bad or anything like that, but I would say that it looks “older” than it does “classic”

Show Me The Money…. And Boobies!

The gameplay of Lula: The Sexy Empire is where the game falls short. I love the idea of this game, but nothing is quite realized as good as it could be. You start by taking sexy pictures of Lula, getting her to strip, have sex with other dudes, blackmailing people and building up your cash flow.

It is your quest for cash that keeps driving you forward. The more money you make the more things you can do. For example, you can actually start to make erotic videos. You can name them, edit them and sell them. Speaking of selling them as well as building up this vast XXX network, you can also open up sex boutique stores to keep that cash flow coming.

The idea is fun, but the execution is rather basic. When you make a wrong move, you are never really punished. You just have to work up and make cash again, as a result, there is never any real “fear” of losing when you are playing the game.

I really do like the idea and premise of Lula: The Sexy Empire more than the execution. This is not a horrible game and I have certainly played worse. However, unless you are interested to know what passed as an erotic and XXX game in the 90s I am not really sure you are going to get a whole lot out of this one.

Final Score: 5/10

Pros:

• Lula is a pretty hot character
• It is interesting to see what a XXX game was in the 90s
• Some of the humor is funny in a sleazy kind of way
• The game is very easy to get into
• The premise and idea is good
• It did make me want an HD remaster with better content

Cons:

• The actual game is a bit on the boring side
• No way to actually lose

Some of you may well remember a game called Rock Star Ate My Hamster, a comical business sim in which you had to manage a band with the aim of getting to the top of the pop charts. Well, Lula (or Wet to give the game its European name) is a bit like that, except you have to manage your way from fugitive amateur photographer to porn industry bigwig.

You may be aware that Lula has been selling steadily for well over six months - mainly to young anoraks sneaking a copy to the sales assistant in the hope of spending the next six months with one hand choking a swollen gherkin (presumably their own) and the other dancing intermittently between a sticky mouse and a strategically-placed box of super-absorbent wipes. Perhaps the game should've been called Pom Star Ate My Beaver instead.

The first part of the game basically involves taking photos and videos of Lula and selling them on. Occasionally, you'll have to find another girl for her to play with, or some lubricants or even a Cmoist-a-rater'. But after watching a few still shots jerking around, you soon realise how incredibly dull the whole enterprise is. It's impossible to get anything wrong and after a couple of hours of Cgoing through the motions' it's with some 'relief' that you reach the next section. There you must hire screenwriters, sales staff, actors and secretaries, and buy up production buildings - all to make more movies that, in the real world, would warrant a full police investigation on the grounds that they were shite.

Lula is one of those rare games where you wished the developers had used gratuitous FMV rather than flickbook animation. As a business sim it's simplistic at best. As a comedy adventure it's non-existent. As something to thrash yourself off to it's just desperate. Instead, get yourself a modem. Go to altavistaCOM and type in saggy udders - you'll have a lot more fun.