Lula: The Sexy Empire

Platform: PC
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Lula: The Sexy Empire
Lula: The Sexy Empire
Lula: The Sexy Empire
Lula: The Sexy Empire

Some of you may well remember a game called Rock Star Ate My Hamster, a comical business sim in which you had to manage a band with the aim of getting to the top of the pop charts. Well, Lula (or Wet to give the game its European name) is a bit like that, except you have to manage your way from fugitive amateur photographer to porn industry bigwig.

You may be aware that Lula has been selling steadily for well over six months - mainly to young anoraks sneaking a copy to the sales assistant in the hope of spending the next six months with one hand choking a swollen gherkin (presumably their own) and the other dancing intermittently between a sticky mouse and a strategically-placed box of super-absorbent wipes. Perhaps the game should've been called Pom Star Ate My Beaver instead.

The first part of the game basically involves taking photos and videos of Lula and selling them on. Occasionally, you'll have to find another girl for her to play with, or some lubricants or even a Cmoist-a-rater'. But after watching a few still shots jerking around, you soon realise how incredibly dull the whole enterprise is. It's impossible to get anything wrong and after a couple of hours of Cgoing through the motions' it's with some 'relief' that you reach the next section. There you must hire screenwriters, sales staff, actors and secretaries, and buy up production buildings - all to make more movies that, in the real world, would warrant a full police investigation on the grounds that they were shite.

Lula is one of those rare games where you wished the developers had used gratuitous FMV rather than flickbook animation. As a business sim it's simplistic at best. As a comedy adventure it's non-existent. As something to thrash yourself off to it's just desperate. Instead, get yourself a modem. Go to altavistaCOM and type in saggy udders - you'll have a lot more fun.

Download Lula: The Sexy Empire

PC

System requirements:

  • PC compatible
  • Operating systems: Windows 10/Windows 8/Windows 7/2000/Vista/WinXP

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