Ultimate Muscle: Legends Vs. New Generation

Even though this is wrestling, it’s unfair to put Muscle in the same ring with WWf games. The slow, plodding, and overly technical style of your run-of-the-mill wrasslin’ game is gone, replaced by incredibly fast and furiously fun game-play. The object here isn’t to pin your foe, but rather to bust out enough over-the-top moves to KO him flat on the mat. As if that isn’t a different and welcome enough change, Muscle's cool cartoony visuals, whack-ass characters, and absurd plots separate it from the norm even further. Of course, there are still areas to improve: The Story mode is short, there’s no outside-the-ring action, some characters’ attacks are way too powerful, and the Create-a-Character mode is low on options. But I’ve grown so tired of the same old never-changing “sim” wrestling games year after year that playing Muscle is like taking that first breath of fresh air after a decade of being trapped in a bank vault with the smelliest hobo on Earth.

Hulk Hogan, your T-shirt-rippin’ days are over. Games like Muscle prove the HWFs meatheads aren’t essential for superior videogame grappling. You won’t be disappointed with this game’s high-octane pace, simple arcade controls, and flamboyant finishers. But, sorry CJ, not being able to pin opponents, brawl outside the ring, or use weapons lowers my excitement to the middle turnbuckle. Even so, Muscle whups Wrestlemania X8s ass and clearly challenges Del Jam Vendetta for the Cube’s championship belt.

It neither stars Ron Jeremy nor lengthens your wang, but Ultimate Muscle makes for a satisfying weekend nonetheless. And don't let the cutesy tone deter you; after all, WWE wrestlers wear their seriousness on their Technicolor codpieces, too. But I’ll take Muscle's simplistic gameplay over the painfully slow pantomiming of true-to-life alternatives any day. Like the lighthearted rumbles of decades past, it’s instantly accessible and satisfyingly fast. Simple but effective evasion and countering also offset the limited move lists, and Muscle-heads will appreciate the trove of unlockable toys.