Will Rock

All You need to know about this game is summed up by the menu song: Wanna Rock, a 1984 single from the ridiculous-looking hard rock band Twisted Sister. As it happens, the song does indeed rock (and takes me right back to my pre-pubescent headbanging days), and is the perfect anthem for such a primitive, irony-free and mindless shooter. In case you need convincing, the title of the game is also the name of the character you play. Get it? It's like Max Payne only even less funny!

Will Rock really is little more than a Serious Sam-clone, with massive environments you run through as if on rollerskates, and a myriad of moronic enemies ramming you from all angles.

Turn It Down You Say

The problem is this, with the two Serious Sam titles now bundled together for the same price as Will Rock, there's no need for another retroblast. Especially when you consider SS is often described as an amazing engine in search of a game, and Will Rock's engine is nowhere near as good as Croteam's (Serious Sam's developer).

The ridiculous premise of battling Greek mythological creatures because - get this - a terrorist group known as the Olympian Restoration Army has freed the mightily pissed off Zeus and co from some mystical prison doesn't do the game any favours either. And the gameplay is so one-dimensional, so relentless and so damn repetitive that you end up not caring how the story unfolds anyway.

The one original touch comes in the form of temporary powers you can buy at scattered shrines using the treasure you collect. There's immortality, Titan Power (Quad damage by another name) and Titan Motion (not a Kylie single, but a pretty useless bullettime mode). We've only dabbled with the co-op mode but, as with Serious Sam. it's the most enjoyable of the multiplayer options, which for the most part are pretty poor.

Tell Me Not To Play

Will Rock is like the Steven Seagal of games - still convinced that the witless action of decades past is in fashion. But not even a low price tag can disguise that this plays like some sort of shareware.

Of course, there are people out there who think Serious Sam is the height of sophisticated entertainment (probably the same sort of people who found The Teletubbies too complicated to follow), so there's definitely a market for it. The rest of you should be content with a quick bash at the demo. You'll be bored before you finish it.