Apollo 18

People say:

• I'm getting on a bit (or so these whipper snappers around me reckon), but even I was only six when man made his debut on the moon. That trip was part of the Apollo program that ended with Apollo 17. But now, thanks to the wonders of silicon, you can embark on Apollo 18 - a secret mission back to the moon to pick up some human detritus. Your first task in Apollo 18 is to sit down for 30 hours or so and immerse yourself in the contents of the training disc. After that, you just may be ready to play the game proper. Try starting with take off. You're sitting there, the engines are roaring and mission control is barking commands at you. Your main Cchallenge' here is to click on the right button on cue. Miss three times and the mission is aborted. Fun! The trouble is that there are hundreds of commands, and the multitude of buttons that lie on the far-from-inspiring interface will have you flapping about in bewildered confusion. The odds against a successful take-off are high. Mind you, succeed and you will be rewarded with a little video of a pointy white tube hurtling across the sky. Cor! The developer himself only managed three successful missions, so don't expect too much. In fact, don't expect much at all from this shoddy pile of cack. Neil Armstrong loved it, claimed the developer bloke, but he doesn't do product endorsements so he didn't endorse this. Jimmy Hill, thought I, rubbing my chin. Apollo 18 is as dull as they come, with poor graphics and a horribly anal feel about the whole thing. One for dedicated rocket scientists and space technology saddoes only.