Bode Miller Alpine Skiing

On Our Left, we have a 90-quid console. On our right, we have a monster PC worth well over ten times that amount On the console, we can spend hours rail-grinding and doing spinny helicopter tricks on our skis with SSX On Tour On the PC, we can lurch down a lifeless mountain occasionally aiming between some gates with a bloke called Bode. What's wrong with this picture?

In fairness, Bode and chums are probably aiming for a different clientele to EA's trick-fuelled tomfoolery, namely Lycra-loving ski enthusiasts, but that doesn't really excuse Alpine Skiing for being almost totally bereft of a sense of fun.

It certainly looks quite nice, with sporadic flocks of birds, light shows and fireworks decorating the skies ahead, and it even comes packaged with a couple of sarcastic commentators. But none of that makes up for the fact that what at first seems like a litany of events and competitions actually amounts to sliding down a series of bland and characterless mountain tracks by yourself, while struggling with controls that are as easy to handle as helping Fern Britton into her bathing suit.

For the same money you could have an hour of real skiing at an indoor snowslope, and you'd still have a better time even if you managed to break both your legs and spear your ball bag with a ski-pole.