Premier Manager 2002-2003

After playing Premier Manager I'm not sure what would be more appropriate, a review or a suicide note. After all, I've lost the will to live. I mean, I'd heard about the pressures of top-flight football managing, I just didn't realise they would result in an intense desire to rip my eyes out and stamp on my retinas in a desperate attempt to rub out the scarring impressions left by this game.

I assume this is a resurrection of the old Gremlin license (otherwise someone's going to be sued), so it's fitting that it looks, feels and plays like something released ten years ago.

The gimmick that's supposed to set this apart from anything else is that you have meetings with everyone a real manager would: press, coaches, scouts, chairmen and so on. You want to sell a player? You meet with his agent and select from a few conversation options. You want to set up a website? You talk to the commercial manager and do the same. It sounds like an intriguing idea at first, until you realise the whole game is turned into a meeting simulator. And don't go thinking it's some sort of adventure game, because there are no personalities or proper dialogue beyond the repetitive stock phrases.

The Meet Of The Game

However, at least each character shows a modicum of emotion depending on what you say to them, and there are plenty of dialogue options for each conversation, even if they are uninspiring. You can choose to skip meetings but then you get told off by the chairman and threatened with the sack.

Tuna Technologies seem to primarily be GameBoy and mobile phone game developers, and it shows. It might be a conversion of a PS2 title, but it looks closer to a shoddy Megadrive one. And if the graphics are an affront to the 21st century, then the interface is a violation of basic human rights. It really is that awful. But it's not just that. There's no room to list all the gameplay flaws (players sent off in preseason friendlies suspended at the start of the league, and so on) but it all pales beside the unendurable matches. Setting up your team is a nightmare, and you can forget tactics.

Cruel World

The worst part is you have to sit through the whole thing: pathetic matchstick representations and 3D highlights that don't look too dire until you realise they're just scripted actions that happen again and again. It's supposed to be football management lite, but even easily accessible games need to be fun and rewarding. Sadly, this isn't.

Somehow they've finagled a deal with Eurosport to mock up their news page, but this really is such a shoddy release I almost feel compelled to start a campaign to stop anyone from buying it, as this is nothing more than an average conversion of a very poor PS2 game. But there's no time. The rope is ready. The noose is tight. Goodbye.