Backyard Wrestling: Don't Try This at Home

If you’ve ever seen white trash take a triple gainer off a Winnebago and crash through a collapsible table, you know backyard wrestling is ridiculous. But you must admit that with their larger-than-life brand of ultraviolence, these athletes couldn’t ask for a better home than your console. Taking the ruckus outside and into truck stops, slaughterhouses (don’t ask), and strip joints opens up whole new worlds of pain. Explosive fuel pumps replace padded turnbuckles, and pole dancers become environmental hazards waiting to crack your head with stiletto heels, just to name a few of the sadistic surprises you’ll find here. Don’t count on using this stuff the way it was intended, though. Unlike the routines real wrestlers choreograph, these matches are absolute button-mashing chaos. It’s still exciting in its own spastic, “Damn did you see that!” sort of way, and it’s just the game to enjoy with that buddy who stops by to try out your latest toys but can’t be bothered to memorize moves or study demanding strategy. Nonetheless, you’ll wanna play solo to unlock new faces and levels, but brawling against A.I. guys kind of sucks. Cheap computer opponents pull you out of moves and stage unlikely comebacks, try as you might to land that one last hit. And because you’ve gotta battle three or four consecutive brawlers before advancing up the ladder, even luck won’t help you make progress.

Pay no attention to the other Greg’s complaints; Backyard Wrestling is just what the doctor ordered. Assuming the doctor ordered a bunch of idiots trying to kill themselves for the sake of DVD sales. But that’s not important. This is a balls-out brawl that’s perfect for a quick throwdown with a pal (and maybe a few brewskies). It requires little-to-no strategy and doesn’t succumb to the constant grappling you find in most wrasslin’ titles...and, frankly, I welcome the simplicity. With hilarious, speedy action in massive, busy environments, who needs boring, predictable WWE superstars? Nerd bonus points: Backyard’s mayhem-packed game-play will remind old-school gamers a lot of the insanely fun Power Stone series on Dreamcast, except minus the power-ups and fruity characters.

Don’t try this at home, Backyard Wrestling proclaims, and truer words have never been spoken or written. I also recommend not playing it in the following places: Anywhere on Earth. Gameplay here redefines “broken.” The action is so hyperfast that the wrestlers are sprinting at all times. It’s not just frenetic—it’s absurd. Swing a deadly weapon, and you’ll find out it’s anything but, as enemies oftentimes run right through them unimpeded. Thrown items like tires act as homing weapons, targeting a player even as he (or she) flees in comical terror. A.I. grapplers are as accommodating as they are brain-dead: You can perform aerial attacks with ease because the A.I. foes actually wait underneath platforms, seemingly oblivious to the opponent lurking above. Just don’t.