In the world of computer games - as in life - there are winners and losers. At the top end of the scale stand the timeless classics: endlessly playable landmarks like Quake 2 or Civilization. In the middle are the 'so-so' titles: games which, although competent, aren't really anything to write home about. And below them squat the real stinkers: the uninspiring, unplayable hunks of virtual dogshit which would insult the intelligence of a spoon. This ranks below even them.
Within seconds of booting up Hopkins FBI, you're acutely aware that something smells bad. The intro sequence is so ham-fistedly bad it beggars belief. They should've scrapped it entirely and used a still photograph of a horse pissing into a bucket instead. At least that'd be entertaining.
Impossibly, it goes downhill from there. The game itself is an old-school point-and-click adventure - and when we say old-school, we mean it. It looks dated; ft looks at least three years old. The graphics are painfully amateurish, while the standard of animation on display makes South Park look like Akira by comparison. Given this abysmally low standard of visual workmanship, it's surprising to discover that the game's audio content is actually worse. The actors read their lines with the passion of a suicidal continuity announcer, and the intermittent background tunes are so poor as to defy lucid description. If weasels formed rock bands, they'd sound like this. Music fans will want to pluck notes from the air and beat them to death with hammers.
Shall we go on? Okay. The puzzles are illogical and contrived, the interface awkward and slow, and the lead character so instantly dislikeable you genuinely want him to kill him. In fact, the game is so bad that you can't help wondering whether it's been deliberately designed that way. Perhaps it's part of some shadowy quest to extend the boundaries of ineptitude, or maybe it's all an incredibly clever postmodern joke. Either way, the FBI should sue, because this game stinks of shit.
Download Hopkins FBI
- PC compatible
- Operating systems: Windows 10/Windows 8/Windows 7/2000/Vista/WinXP