Ultimate Ghosts 'N Goblins

Single Japanese PSP platform-action game (3D graphics/2D gameplay) looking for dedicated gamer to enjoy fun times. You: into older games, patient, willing to put up with me when I get difficult (which I do a lot, even on my Novice setting!). Me: absolutely gorgeous, simple controls, no story worth mentioning. Into double-jumping, epic boss battles, and (I admit it!) cheap deaths. I need a gamer who's willing to put in the time to really know me; if you think you're gonna get to my ending without truly exploring my levels, replaying them over and over until you find key hidden items, you'll be disappointed. And yes, I know I can be difficult, especially at first. But stick with me, and eventually, I'll reward you with powerful shields and new spells. Hell, you might even come to appreciate my toughness. I guess I'm an old-fashioned kind of game (people tell me I play just like my 16-bit parents all the time), so if you're an old-fashioned kind of gamer, I know I can make you happy. If you're just looking for a quick thrill, you're better off with one of those easy DS platformer sluts.

Looking at the above personal, admit I was intrigued. I've always considered myself a hardcore gamer ...until I took on this beast. While I love Ultimate's throwback-yet-gorgeous graphics, the difficulty drove a stake through this former traditional romantic's heart. The relentless reappearing enemies make progress a frustrating grind, rewarding good fortune (like stumbling upon the correct weapon) as much as skill. The fact that I greeted each completed level with relief rather than satisfaction ain't encouraging. Yet, like some poor, abused pooch, I kept coming back for more. And while this could be misjudgment on my part, it says something about the game's definitely mixed appeal. Or maybe it's just the remaining bit of stubborn hardcore blood in my veins. Oh, pick up any gold rings you find--it'll save you from some additional grief later on.

Even tiough playing through Ultimate Ghosts 'n Goblins was the worst thing to happen to me all month, it wasn't a complete loss. For instance, while playing through the game, I invented dozens of interesting new obscenities, one for each time I died due to cheap deathtraps or clumsy controls. Ultimate put me in touch with my emotions, too--I wept a little every time I came across one of the game's sporadic good ideas, heartbroken that it was wasted on such a lousy update of an arcade classic. Best of all, I finally have a perfect example of how not to revive a franchise. On the whole, though, I think I'd have simply preferred a better game.