Think of the most boring thing in the entire world... but make sure it's something that would guarantee that, as soon as it's shown to you or played to you, or even simply hovers around the periphery of your consciousness, doesn't just dull your thought processes slightly, but causes your brain to abruptly snap into shut-off mode, resolutely refusing to allow itself to take in any information, and makes you want to start making low moaning noises. You know the sort of thing I mean... an afternoon in Ikea with a deaf incontinent aunt; the world indoor bowls championships; a tedious long-haul flight which shows an entire series of Goodnight Sweetheart instead of a film; an Arsenal away game (or an Arsenal home game, come to that).
Zzzzzzz... pweeeeh... zzzzzz
Whatever it is that affects you in this way, I've just seen something worse. An entire 147 break by Steve Davis. In full, with all the pauses for thought, taut buttock shots (for the girls), searching gazes around the table and scratching of nose, testicles and other body parts. This feat is made even more exciting (if that's possible) by the fact that everything's in real-time (not speeded up and set to Keystone Kops music, or anything like that). And as if watching Steve Davis isn't bad enough, you have to listen to his commentary and 'amusing asides'.
What we have here goes beyond boredom. This is Oberboredom. This is the sort of thing they should play to people on assertiveness training courses, to get them into the habit of leaving rooms when they want to leave. And I've just seen it on a computer game. Why?
"Why?" indeed, seeing as Virtual Snooker is essentially the same as Virtual Pool (in itself a fine game, by the way). So you get an intro from Mr Davis, and the aforementioned Oberboredom, but the gameplay doesn't come anywhere near justifying the asking price.
Zzz-skwah-! Wha? Gumpleh?
Ah. the gameplay. Let's see how the top notch pool game has been transformed into the more demanding game of snooker, which as we all know is played on different sized tables, with different rules and different coloured balls...
Ah. They've taken the same pool table, complete with plasticky-sounding pockets instead of posh net arrangements, used the same virtual bar as in the first game (but they've done away with the oh-so-atmospheric fan. so you'll think it's Ye Quaynte linglishe Pubbe), and replaced the pool balls with snooker ones.
And that's it. The table doesn't seem any bigger and the graphics are exactly the same (basic. I think is the word). So it has the same intuitive controls as its predecessor, but that's not enough, given that Jimmy White's Whirlwind Snooker is available in bargain bins, and there's both a shareware and a cheapo version of their own Virtual Pool available. Pick Virtual Snooker up on the bargain shelf in about a month's time.
Download Virtual Snooker
- PC compatible
- Operating systems: Windows 10/Windows 8/Windows 7/2000/Vista/WinXP